da_champion | On the Road

On the Road - For Unshod

The Storm Coast wasn’t much different from Crestwood. It rained almost constantly but there was a distinct lack of undead and the air had the smell of the ocean instead of rotting lake. But the rain was near constant. Endless. Driving Hawke insane even though he had on an oil slick cloak that kept him dry. One last gift from Inquisitor Lavellan before he left to head north to Wiessupt.

It didn't help him climb slick rock any but he wasn't soaked to the bone. Maybe he should have left from the desert but going back to Skyhold before he left to say goodbye to Varric and a quick resupply was better. Except for this miserable, Maker-foresaken weather.

When he heard the sounds of a fight a distance away on the beach he debated getting involved. It would slow him down and he was making slow progress already... but... he could take his bad mood out on whoever was causing trouble. A good fight would warm him up. The Inquisition had a presence here but they couldn’t be everywhere. Hawke would be doing them a favor by chipping in. He’d also get to throw a fireball which might actually warm him up a little.

He did not expect to see a familiar face cutting through Tevinter slavers. Hawke didn't even know there were slavers on this coast. There was no mistaking the distinctive flash of markings and the buzz of lyrium in the air. He could almost taste it in the back of his throat.

“Fenris!” Hawke shouted in greeting as he came quickly stumbling down the side of a not so steep cliff.

He reached the beach and threw his hand out ice lancing from his fingertips through a slaver. He made a gurgling sound before he fell dead. Spinning his staff around Hawke walked right into the fight. He was never one of those mages that stayed at a distance. He could throw a fireball but also run a man through with the bladed end of the staff.

Not that Fenris needed much help. He was perfectly capable of slaughtering slavers without any help even outnumbered five to one. They made short work of the slavers who seemed to be waiting for a ship to take them back to Tevinter with some kidnapped Dalish elves. Hawke kept back while Fenris freed them from their cages and shackles.

“Good to see you’re keeping busy,” he drawled when Fenris approached him.

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"Everything I know about the Anderfels says it's cold."

Anders never talked much about his home country. He hated discussing his past, though occasionally it came out after nightmares and with enough wine. Hawke treasured each bit of information Anders shared. It made him feel special.

Now, it brings up a bitter pain and heavy regret which is why it takes him a moment to catch Fenris' wording.

"We?" he frowns in confusion at him. "You're not going to the Anderfels."

They would be parting ways soon. The inevitable end to their adventures together. The end that Hawke is slightly dreading. Alone would be so hard after all this time together.

Fenris focuses on running his hand over his bedroll for a moment, because he didn't like the fact that Hawke had to point out that there was no 'we' in this. That they would be parting soon. Once they got close to Tevinter that is when he was going to go his separate way, but no longer. He wants to stay close now.

"I am. Tevinter can wait until you've seen Carver again," perhaps longer, he wasn't gonna push his luck on that. Small steps, this first.

Perhaps they can stay together after, continue to travel together, hunt slavers, do whatever it is that Hawke needs to do next. Slavers could wait if needed, his journey with Hawke.. it could be the last time. Once they split up again he may never see the man again, be it distance or death that takes him first.

"My mind if set, Hawke," his tone said he wouldn't argue it.

"They know you're with me though. The Templars. The Chantry. You can't stay with me further," Hawke says, a bit dumbfounded. "The longer you stay with me the more they're going to accuse you of. You can't... that's not good, Fenris. You escaped my crimes once, they won't let you do it again if you're traveling with me."

He doesn't understand. They talked about this. They agreed that they would split up. He would go to Tevinter to hunt slavers while Hawke went after his brother.

"We've taken enough risks. You can't jeopardize your freedom." Hawke would hate for Fenris to get arrested when he's innocent. Well, was innocent. He's not innocent now. Now he's helping a fugitive. It's... it's so risky for them to stay together. Too risky.

"You can't stay with me..."

It seems that Hawke wanted to argue it even though Fenris was rather straightforward that he wouldn't allow for the other man to dissuade him. They both could be very stubborn, this could be a difficult one if Hawke starts to set his foot down about it, which it seemed was the case.

Still, he doesn't give.

"Being associated with you and your crimes does not scare me, it never has. I would rather continue to travel with you and be seen as a a fugitive alongside you than be without you--" he stills his tongue at that. It was too close to the truth of the matter. It was too close to the heart of the matter.

"I will see you to Carver, we can discuss it after that. What is a weeks more travel when we have already been spotted together. Is it not safer to travel together than apart with all that hunts us?"

Hawke scowls at him. "I am not worth you losing your freedom over."

That's the part Hawke simply cannot understand. Fenris spent so long getting his freedom and making the most of it. He no longer knows chains and being at the mercy of someone else with no will of his own.

Why would he risk capture and arrest just to stay by Hawke's side? He gets nothing from this besides more bullshit and trouble as it always is with Hawke. He got Stroud killed. He got Varric in so much trouble. Fenris couldn't be next.

"I'm not saying you're afraid but staying with me won't bring you anything good."

Fenris scowls, because he's already had his panic over the idea of love being chains for him, that he was trading one master for another by loving Hawke, especially when he couldn't have him... he's already overcome that realizing it's not chains, the man isn't another master. He's realized that this could be something more than simple masters and chains.

It wasn't about losing freedom. He would endure capture and torture if it meant protecting Hawke. Because that was his choice.

"You're something good!" he bites out the words, "Being with you means I am not alone, it means I'm with you."

He wants to stop there but then it just all comes spilling out, "What is freedom if I cannot spend it the way I wish to, which is by your side - I would never have left it if I had my choice from the start.. if you wish to abandon me again, then do it while I sleep, else I will hound your every step until you accept my company once more, because I--" he finally bites his tongue and looks away.

Hawke feels a catch in his throat. He wants to protest. He wants to protect. Fenris shouldn't be with him. It's not safe. It will never be safe. No matter what the Inquisitor promised him, the Chantry will always be after him, they will always hold him responsible.

And Fenris being in chains again because of him the idea hurts Hawke to the soul. He can't be the reason Fenris is in chains again. He can't. But it is Fenris' choice, isn't it? It's his freedom.

Most of all... he wants him there. He wants Fenris with him, not just to have company but because it is Fenris' company. He wants Fenris with him. That's what he wants.

"I will leave you if it looks like we're going to get caught," he warns as he walks towards him. "I cannot see you in chains. The thought terrifies me. I won't leave you while you sleep though. I don't want to be alone. I mean, I don't really want to make you leave. Or part ways."

He sighs heavily as he stands in front of Fenris. "But Maker help me, my selfishness will not be the cause of you losing your freedom."

"Then let us not get caught," He looks up at the significantly taller man. "But I will not allow your selflessness to make us go separate ways needlessly.'

With a bravery that often escapes him at times like these, when he doesn't know how the man feels, when he doesn't know if it's okay, he reaches up to cup Hawke's jaw. His thumb caresses over the rough facial hair.

"Be it my own selfish desires, but.. I do not wish to be parted from you," he doesn't want to overstay his welcome in touching Hawke, so he withdraws his hand, but he will not leave the man's side, even if it looks like they might get caught.

He rather risk his freedom than risk Hawke's life.

It has been so long since Hawke felt a tender touch such as Fenris' hand against his cheek. He leans into the touch, his eyes closing slowly.

A deep, dark fear takes root in his stomach. He wants and that he hasn't felt since Anders. Wanting Fenris? Oh... oh... how is he supposed to handle that knowledge with the knowledge of how much danger he puts Fenris in?

And then his touch is gone and Hawke feels like he has lost something. Something he doesn't really have, does he?

"I am not needless," he says softly. "Hopeless is probably the best word for it. I truly don't know what I will do once I know Carver is well. I don't have a plan, Fenris. I have nothing."

Something about how Hawke says that that makes his heart ache, that makes him want to take the man by the face and tell Hawke he has him. That he was here for him.. that he wasn't nothing. But does he really have the right to do that?

Would it even be welcome?

"Perhaps you deserve to rest? Hawke, you haven't stopped moving forward since Kirkwall, maybe it's time to find what makes you happy for once," Fenris swallows because he wants to be that. He wants to love Hawke openly, but he doesn't get to be that. Not while Anders' ghost lingers to hurt this man everyday.

"You would also be welcome to join me, I.. have my purpose, your company would be welcome," he means it too. He would gladly have Hawke alongside him. To continue their journeys together and kill slavers, save elves, do damage to Tevinter.

"Believe me, I would like to." He smiles though it's a little sad. "I can think of no better purpose than stopping slavers from hurting people and being with you. But I'm scared of the danger it puts you in."

He truly would love to stay by Fenris' side. He likes his company. His quick wit and quite strength. His fierce loyalty. Even in the face of danger. Hawke could bring nothing but ruin and yet, he wanted to stay. He wanted Hawke to stay.

"The Inquisitor said they would clear my name with the Chantry but I doubt it will do any good. They can't find Anders to punish so they'll take me instead." Hawke finds himself reaching for Fenris' hand and idly playing with his fingers.

"I don't want to see you hurt. I hate the idea of it." He sighs heavily. "And I hate the idea of leaving you as well."

"I am not scared of the danger it puts me in, being with you is worth any danger that might come my way.. if anything I would be putting you in more danger to have you seen with me so close to Tevinter.." they would probably herald Hawke as a hero more for the war than not. Free mages? A war to make slaves easier to gather? A dent to the Chantry that they don't follow but call heretics?

Hawke could make a new life for himself in Tevinter.. but Fenris is too greedy to suggest it. He wouldn't want to lose the man he cares so deeply to the nation he wants to tear apart.

Does that make him a bad person?

Does it make him a bad person that he wants to kiss Hawke right now?

He swallows before taking Hawke's hand in his own, letting the man play with his fingers, letting him have anything. Fenris would give him anything - anything but separation, he would.

"Then don't leave me.. I.. felt like my world was ending the first time you all abandoned me to be alone once more, I cannot imagine surviving it a second time." Especially with his renewed feelings.. he can't let the man go again.

"Yeah, but if we went to Tevinter I could punch a magister in the dick and that's always a good idea." The irony is Hawke would never choose a life in Tevinter. Not after knowing Fenris. Oh, that Magister with the Inquisitor was tolerable enough but Hawke hated the country, hated everything it did and stood for. Tevinter only made things worse in Ferelden for mages, not better.

And that country spent years hurting one of his dearest friends. Hawke would not choose their side in any conflict. Nor would he accept any accolades from them either.

"Fenris..." His heart clenches in his chest at the words. It had been so hard to leave his friends when arguably he needed them more than ever after what Anders had done to him and Kirkwall but he couldn't be with them. He couldn't put them in danger.

He sighs and leans forward enough to rest his forehead against Fenris'. "We will figure out our next moves after we find Carver. I won't make you leave. Maybe just suggest it now and then."

Fenris sighs as well, resting forehead to forehead with Hawke. He wants to say more, but the words aren't coming to him, his lips feel numb with the potential of loss, with how his heart aches at the idea of it.

So for the moment he says nothing, just brining his hand to the man's cheek as he closes his eyes to feel the pause, the way time seems to slow and speed up all at once to feel this. To know Hawke won't push him away again.

Finally, words come to him, find a way out of his throat, "Good, then we will take it as it comes. If suggest is all, then I can handle that much. Though my answer will remain the same, I wish to remain by your side above all else."

He means it, he would give up his hunt if it meant staying by Hawke's side.

Hawke is a man of impulse to this day. He feels the urge to hug Fenris so he does. He draws him into his arms for a tight hug that lasts only a few moments but hopefully gets across the nameless gratitude and happiness Hawke feels that they're not parting ways yet.

"I don't know what I did to deserve your loyalty but I am grateful for it." Hawke lets him go and steps back with a grin. "Now, we could both use some dinner and maybe some drink to indulge in. Do the Dalish have ale, you think?"

He squeezes Fenris' shoulders before he turns away and begins his own hunt for something to eat and drink among the Dalish, his countenance lighter and bright than it was a few minutes before.

The impulse isn't unwelcome, in fact, after a small surprised pause, Fenris hugs him back tightly. Soaking in the warmth and feeling of the man against him. If he could he would bask in this easy touch for a long time to come, but for now he lets the man go when he pulls back.

"You did much to earn it," his arms fall away from the other as he steps back. "And they might," he feels colder now without Hawke's touch, but he keeps that to himself.

For the moment he just watches Hawke walk away to the Dalish. He was glad to know they would be together for a while yet, that he was not being pushed away again, that they would figure out things as they came together.

Yet, he still feels cold as he joins Hawke to find some food and drink among the Dalish.

Hawke uses his charm and genuine kindheartedness to get them both some food then returns to their campsite. He hands over a plate to Fenris before he sits down in the fire. They are a curiosity to the Dalish who watch them.

Occasionally a child comes over and Hawke does his best to make friends with them. Children are always amusing and they're not afraid, just cautious. Their parents aren't aways as happy with it.

Night comes eventually. Hawke banks the fire down to something less dangerous before he stretches out on his bedroll. It's tempting to do something silly like pat Fenris' bedroll and make eyebrows at him but he doesn't think that'll be appreciated.

"Whenever you're ready to sleep." No one has to keep watch tonight. The Dalish will. They can both sleep together.

Fenris takes the food and watches Hawke with the children that come over. For the most part they are fascinated with the man and Fenris cannot help but think what a good father Hawke would make one day if he chooses. Or Uncle to the children their friends may one day have as well.

One child is more interested in Fenris than Hawke, but he's not very good with children. Yet, eventually he relents and shows off his own ability by passing a hand through Hawkes arm and the rock around them. This gets him a wide eyed look of awe.

Soon they are alone again, the eyes of the Dalish still on them but night falls heavy around them and it's just them now. It feels weird to not take a watch, but soon he lays his sword beside his bedroll and lays out on it as well, using his cloak as a blanket.

"You're quite good with kids."

"When my father got sick I had to take care of Carver and Bethany," he says softly as he tries to settle in such a way that he can keep Fenris warm but not press on him too much. He knows how much Fenris doesn't like to be touched.

"They weren't as young as some of those children but some things work on all ages." It wasn't hard to be kind and interested when children talked. It wasn't hard to just be warm and friendly. They're kids. Innocent of their parents sins in most cases.

He closes his eyes. "I mean... you could treat them like a mabari and be just as fine. Mabari are usually smarter though."

He smiles a little.

No, he doesn't like to be touched, but soon finds himself moving back into Hawke's space as he turns to look away from the man. He can feel the warmth from the man, it was comforting in a way he doesn't want to examine. Instead he focuses on the words being spoken.

He can't help but smile a little amused at the comment. Of treating a child like a Mabari, of one being smarter than a child. Fenris has little experience with Children, found them difficult at the best of times. But that eases him into the idea of it.

"Do you think you want kids one day? Or will you stick with the smarter Mabari?"

His question is quiet.

"I would..." Hawke sighs heavily. "There was a time I thought about children. A family of my own but with the way my life has turned out I cannot put a child in that much danger."

There is real regret in his voice. Hawke wanted kids and a family. He had dreams of adopting a little mage child and those dreams were destroyed just like Kirkwall's Chantry. He'll never had that now.

"If I can, I'd like a mabari again. One would be helpful living on the run." But he isn't sure how he'd get one. A little is a well attended event.

"Maybe one day when you're in less danger.." Hawke would make a good father, hearing that regret in the man's voice really hurts Fenris, because it was yet another thing that Anders took away from the man.

For some reason he knows he would trust any mage raised by Hawke. How could he not when Hawke was the best mage he knows.

"Perhaps you will not always have to live on the run, have you considered going north where the chantry's influence is weakest?" He would try to find anyway for Hawke to live a peaceful life. He would kill and maim for the man, he would die for him.

If it's within his power he would do anything for the man he loves.

"Until there is some great change within the Chantry and the anger of the faithful I doubt I'll ever stop being hunted." He sighs heavily and closes his eyes against the longing he feels for the life he expected to have.

It won't happen any more. He must let it go.

"It's fine. I did play a part in everything that happened. This is my punishment for that. It's justice in a way." He laughs at his choice of words. "Not that others will see it that way but I should answer in some way for what Anders did. What I helped with."

Unknowingly, sure, but he still helped. That needs to be answered. The Maker seems to have decided that means being hunted. That's fine. Hawke will accept that.

Fenris scowls at the choice of words. Because Justice his ass.

"You were manipulated by someone you cared for, you were blind to his actions, you are as much of a victim of what occurred as anyone else. I know you will never believe that, but Anders does not deserve your martyrdom for his actions. He knew what he was doing," Fenris keeps his voice even and lacking and of his normal spite for Anders, trying to just convey something that was fact, even if passionately.

Reaching behind him, he grabs one of Hawke's arms and brings it around himself, holding on to the man in a way that he's not about to explain, but he figures it will give him some comfort.

"If there is a way for me to help you find the peace you deserve, I shall."

Did he? Did Anders truly understand what his actions would do? How blind was he because of Vengeance's influence. Hawke had seen Vengeance's anger make Anders almost hurt innocent people before. Fenris hadn't been there for that but it was possible. Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he truly didn't understand.

But those thoughts had plagued him for a long time. He didn't think they would fade any time.

"You are my friend," he says as he carefully settles his arms around Fenris. He knows he doesn't like to be touched often. "And when I need it apparently my champion. That is enough."

It is more than he's had in quite a long time.

On the Road - For Unshod

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comes back to this 20 years later